No, it’s not what you think. Maybe it is. Who knows? This article is not intended to promote cheating and unfaithfulness. Nor to give you any idea that might terminate your marriage. Rather, it’s a profound idea I desire to share from my coaching sessions with couples who are struggling to dwell together in peace, love and harmony.
A few days ago, I was seated with a young couple that just got married two years ago. In the session opening, I asked what seems to be the challenge in their marriage? The young man started to explain to me why he felt he made a mistake committing his life to his wife. For the sake of simplifying his feelings he said, “I was misled!” Throughout his entire “court case,” I heard a WORD that made me identify the truly profound power of language: WIFE!
This young man started to tell me how disappointed he was with his WIFE… His “wife” is not the same person he knew when he was dating her.
“She is not what I signed up for,” he whispered.
“What DID you sign up for?” I asked.
Well, he said with a deep painful exhalation… When we dated she was the best. She was always smiling, she was always positive, she was simply FUN. She was the dream girl I had always wished for.
But now, after we got married, she is not happy anymore and I can’t stand her negative attitude… let’s make it simple, she is not FUN… I was deceived by her…” he said almost tearfully.
After showing him some compassion, I asked, “tell me please, when you say you had fun while dating her, what do you mean by that? He replied, “look… when I was dating her I use to come pick her up at 6pm and she was so beautiful, well dressed, and I kissed her and told her how stunning she looked. Then we use to go for dinner in such beautiful romantic places and we spoke for hours about how much I love her and how smart she is, and how lucky I am to have her in my life. Also, whenever she had something in her heart to share, I was listening… I was her source of support, compassion, love and connection. I told her that I cannot wait to share my life with her…”
“Wow,” I said, “that sounds beautiful. And how did she react to this kind of connection and bond you created with her while dating?”
“She was happy. She responded so positively. She was simply a loving partner and truly a fun person to be with…” he answered.
“Let me ask you a simple question,” I spoke softly, “how many beautiful dinners have you had like this, since your girlfriend became your wife?”
“What do you mean?” He asked shockingly, feeling his walls about to collapse.
“The way you were chasing her, complimenting her, listening to her heart, paying attention to her beauty, telling her how lucky you are to have her in your life… are you still making these gestures now that she is your WIFE?”
“Is it possible,” I continued, “that by switching her TITLE from ‘girlfriend’ into the heavy term of ‘WIFE,’ changed the way you treated her? Is it possible to assume, that if you treated her TODAY as your WIFE with the same powerful love, affection and connection you showed her as your girlfriend, you might live life with a happy wife?”
Needless to say, this point of view had enough power to allow this young man to create a paradise with his beautiful girlfriend/wife.
The point was clear. Crystal clear! He knew her as a girlfriend. He treated her as a girlfriend. He loved her as a girlfriend. He complimented her as a girlfriend. She showed her affection as a girlfriend. And guess what? She was happy, positive, loving and FUN for him as in return. Now he feels she DOESN’T NEED ANY OF IT now she is a wife! Wife means cleaning, cooking, nurturing, taking care of life… all BY DEMANDS and OBLIGATION! This is exactly why he gets misery as a result.
Instead, look at your wife and a SEE a girlfriend! And when you start to treat your wife the way you treated her as a girlfriend, you might find that terminology can affect your quality of life.